Let's backtrack.
After yesterday's phone call, all hell broke loose. My sister had spent the evening in the city, meeting with a former boss. On the train ride home, she texted my mom to tell her about a promising internship opportunity she may get this summer.
The text went as follows:
Haha, can't help but shake your head...
In a snap, my sister's mood from ten to zero. The second she got home, she burst through the door and started yelling.
Why can't you just get help already? You're such a child! I wanted to celebrate with you but look at you - you're incoherent!
I don't need help! What, do you think I'm one of those trashy alcoholics!? I'm not incoherent!
And on and on.
Of course, my mom was smashed, so it was a losing battle from the beginning. My sister stormed up to her room, sobbing.
My brother, a recent college grad, was staying over that evening and became riled up by the commotion. When he was in high school, the problem was very hush hush. Now that it's common knowledge, the fights are more fierce... everyone knows, so everyone is expecting her to stop.
But she can't.
My youngest brother who lives at the house full-time didn't bat an eye. He's so used to it now, he has his routine down pat. The second the demon emerges, he heads straight to his room until morning.
This morning has been dominated by the aftermath.
Tried calling her twice - calls sent to voicemail. Step-dad informed me that she wants nothing to do with the kids right now.
Brothers called me in shock. Sister headed to the family therapist. Aunts getting involved. Dad concerned for his children from five states away.
Does she not see what this demon is doing?
I'm fairly new to this game so it's still very raw to me. I've never actually lived with her disease because I was in college when it developed.
Every time this happens I feel more and more defenseless, sad, and as the oldest child, heart broken.
What runs through an addict's head when these things happen? What's so bad about quitting? Is she sad that her life is crumbling to pieces? Numb? Does she genuinely think we're crazy for wanting her to seek help? How does the disease turn her into this?
Because, in my heart, I know mom doesn't want to lose her children. Alcoholism does.
I hate the idea of my baby brother living in hell. I hate the idea of my sister's earth-shattering disappointment. I hate getting hysterical calls from my other brother.
And I can't help but think
Is our only option to run away and never look back?
No comments:
Post a Comment